Why I’m My Own Worst Enemy

Yesterday I spent the day brainstorming ideas for new blog posts yet when I sat down to start writing today, I felt the need to write about something completely different. This morning I woke up really struggling. There was nothing in particular that was bothering me but I felt extremely unhappy. It’s unfortunate but the last year or so has consisted of many days that result in me being upset at something in my life.

The last year or so has been a year of truly trying to figure out who I am and what kind of person I want to be. I’ve been faced with heartache, being rejected for jobs, losing friendships, and more. I’ve always considered myself to be an optimist but it comes to a point where these things begin to take a toll on a person. I now have fears that I once didn’t have. Fear of never finding a successful job that I genuinely love and enjoy. Fear that I will constantly be hurt by the people I love the most. I find myself overwhelmed and frustrated for being so emotional and letting it affect those around me. I have become my own worst enemy. I let these negative thoughts dictate how I respond to others and how I feel about myself.

I’m learning to retrain my brain to look at the good rather than the ugly. Sure, I have faced rejection and heartache, but I have also been given the time to focus on things I’m passionate about, like traveling and writing. I have fallen in love with someone who makes me want to be the best version of myself. The friends that I have support me in everything that I do. I have time to read books, pick up new hobbies, and spend time with family.

When the new year started, one of my goals was to wake up and take control of the day. It’s only February and it seems that I have already let myself succumb to my emotions. I’m not saying that it is wrong to feel. In fact, I believe that we should feel as much possible. However, it is up to us to take charge of our emotions and what we think. We can’t let our past run our future and we can’t let rejection ruin our hopes of ever trying again. The last thing that I want is to look back on my life and regret the fact that I held back on everything I wanted to do, say, or feel because I was afraid. This is our chance to be the best us we can be and that starts with the way that we feel about ourselves, others, and the world.

“I’ll admit, I have days where I loathe myself for living in extremes. For caring too much, loving too much. Just being too much. But I’d rather live in extremes then locked within boundaries. I’d rather feel too much than nothing at all. I’d rather love too much than lack affection. I’d rather be too much than not be enough.”K.A

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Why I Started a Blog

Hi there internet world. The name is Riley and I have to start this whole thing off with a pretty awkward yet necessary introduction. I recently graduated from ASU last summer and have felt the pressure from everyone around me to find a career and make a living for myself. Yet I find myself serving on the weekends and spending Monday-Thursday glued to my computer while I job hunt. I have been blessed with so much in my life, however I am one of the unfortunate few that doesn’t quite have a calling in life. My sister is going to school to be an elementary teacher, my step sister is going to med school in Ireland, and my younger half sister is in love with volleyball. It’s never been that easy for me. I have played every sport imaginable, from soccer to volleyball to one day of cheerleading. I quickly learned I was not meant to be an athlete. I then moved onto music. I played the piano and tried my hand at the viola. Both ended with me quitting. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking at this point. I’m a quitter. This isn’t the case; I just couldn’t commit to something that I was not truly passionate about.

When you ask anyone around me what kind of person I am, their response usually involves the words “creative” or “artsy.”  I enjoy working with my hands and expressing myself through my work. If there is one thing that I have always stuck with, its writing. Ever since I was younger, I have found myself writing, whether it be creative short stories or journal entries used to vent all of my personal emotions. Not too long ago, I found myself starting yet another blog in hopes that I could inspire others and make them feel as if they weren’t the only ones going through the troubles that I was experiencing. Needless to say, I gave up on that pretty quickly (I swear to god I’m really not a quitter..). Everything is about to change. 2017 has inspired something within me and I want to give myself a second chance. I want to create something not only for myself but for others. I want someone to feel like they can connect with me, even if it’s only one person. I want everyone to read what I am going through and relate and know they aren’t alone because let’s be honest, your 20’s kind of suck (in the best way possible). We live in a society where anything is possible.  It’s all about finding what you love and pursuing it. The rest falls into place in due time. You have to put everything that you have into it. This is the journey I’m on and I hope that everyone reading is along for the ride with me. Here’s to a year of finding and loving myself.

“If you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise”Rupi Kaur